But of course!

Today I found myself sitting on the beach eating a cinnamon roll and drinking coffee. It's one of those slightly cool, overcast days. I pulled my hood over my ears and started counting the waves. It's what I like to think of as brooding weather. It's neither depressing nor overly happy weather. It just is. In church yesterday the Gospel said (totally paraphrasing here) "It is not what is on the inside that defiles someone..." Envy, hate, laziness, etc. As soon as I heard this I sat up and looked around. It was as though a light bulb had gone off. Of course, it is only what we do to ourselves and, in turn, others that makes us less wholesome. So many of these things are put upon us by the outside world. But how do you let it go? It makes me wonder, how much of our lives do we choose, and how much is dictated to us? Even when I'm by myself there is this "ideal" that is the standard. It is what I measure myself against. I often question, do I do things because I want to, or because I think I have to? How do you attempt to explain to others your choices and at what point do you stop and give in, maybe they are right. How often do I do things "just because", no rationale involved? Not necessarily unaware of the consequences, but steadfastly assured that this is the right decision. I feel as though my life has been lived in one extreme or the other. Wantonly careless or afraid to take the next step. From one end of the pendulum to the other. Perhaps this is what life is all about, trying to find the balance and maintain it.

No good, horrible, very bad... You get the picture.

I feel like I'm fairly optimistic. I love Mondays. When things are tough, more often than not, I can say, "It will get better." Maybe I'm having an off couple of weeks. I haven't been ME, lately.
Let's start with the biggest obstacle. I didn't get into UCLA. I applied to their program knowing full well that it's very competitive. They only take a handful of applicants a year. Yet, I silenced the negative voices that said, "What if you don't get in?" Of course I was getting in. Have you seen my resume? I was really looking forward to doing school full time. Nothing else. Just school. And now? I talked to an admissions counselor who gave me some options. Maybe that's the silver lining. I have options, but none of them equal me starting school in the fall. I'm ready to leave. I need something new. A new adventure, out of this rut. I hate my house, most of my really close friends have moved- I just feel so lonely. Yes, I will take some cheese with my whine.
And boys. I recently met a guy. He's cute, smart, hilarious and adores kids. I thought we were cool. And then... SILENCE. Kind of bummed. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just not loveable.
I've been trying really hard to find some positive things here. But I can't. I actually cried for the first time in a long time. I have been craving something new for a while now. I feel like I'm slowly shrinking and dying inside. Ugh.
In church today the priest talked about faith, love and hope, the virtues of Christianity. At one point he said something that really resonated. "While Faith is spiritual, Hope is physical." Faith is what supports us and holds us up as the world crashes around us. Hope is what drives us forward. You don't hope for something in the past, you hope for something in the future. Hope is what pushes us to keep our eyes on the prize. My favorite Bible verse is Psalm 4. "Know that the Lord works wonders for the faithful; the Lord hears when I call out." Well, here I am calling out. I hope that Faith and Hope will carry me through this and I can get back to being ME.