But of course!

Today I found myself sitting on the beach eating a cinnamon roll and drinking coffee. It's one of those slightly cool, overcast days. I pulled my hood over my ears and started counting the waves. It's what I like to think of as brooding weather. It's neither depressing nor overly happy weather. It just is. In church yesterday the Gospel said (totally paraphrasing here) "It is not what is on the inside that defiles someone..." Envy, hate, laziness, etc. As soon as I heard this I sat up and looked around. It was as though a light bulb had gone off. Of course, it is only what we do to ourselves and, in turn, others that makes us less wholesome. So many of these things are put upon us by the outside world. But how do you let it go? It makes me wonder, how much of our lives do we choose, and how much is dictated to us? Even when I'm by myself there is this "ideal" that is the standard. It is what I measure myself against. I often question, do I do things because I want to, or because I think I have to? How do you attempt to explain to others your choices and at what point do you stop and give in, maybe they are right. How often do I do things "just because", no rationale involved? Not necessarily unaware of the consequences, but steadfastly assured that this is the right decision. I feel as though my life has been lived in one extreme or the other. Wantonly careless or afraid to take the next step. From one end of the pendulum to the other. Perhaps this is what life is all about, trying to find the balance and maintain it.